Invisible Girl

     I seem to be on the road to no where.  I always say and think I'll do all of these things, but I never say or do any of it.  While this is no new revelation, my connection to the fictional character Jenna Hamilton is.

      So here's the story.  A few weeks ago, I began to watch the show "Awkward."  I was able to watch all of season one in less than a week and I started noticing some strange similarities.  Prior to the truthfully cruel letter, Jenna was a wallflower.  She was unmemorable.  She needed that letter; it was a serious reality check for her.  Sure it was horrible of her mother to write it, but Jenna wouldn't be as happy as she is now if she hadn't taken it to heart.  Because she was so intent on proving the letter wrong, Jenna went from being invisible to having all eyes on her (mainly from events due to her horrendous luck, but whatever).  

     As her story began to unfold, I began to think (a dangerous pass-time, I know) about my own life.  During my time in high school, not many people really, truly know who I am.  My senior year is fast-approaching and I want so badly to be remembered by those I care about and then some.  I'm sick and tired of traveling down this aimless road of invisibility.  But suddenly a question interrupts my moping: what if I've been waiting for this "push" when it's been up to me the whole time?

why do i think so much? why do i ask so many questions?

<3 suz

Life Sucks Then You Die, Right???

      

                                                                         Jenny: "Why are you so good to me?" 
                                                                         Forrest: "You're my girl!" 
                                                                         Jenny: "I'll always be your girl."


     This was my philosophy until today.  It literally was one thing after another that went incredibly well today.  Usually, I am the ultimate pessimist, just ask the people I hang out with (trust me, they know).  But I ultimately realized today that things are never as bad as we think they are.  For example, I realized that boys are a very simple species.  They don't want much, and they will say things to make it seem like they have a girl but in reality they don't.  Another thing, sometimes girls need to grow a pair and do the dirty work instead of leaving it up to the guy (I have serious mental blocks against this mentality but I'll get through it).  Also, we all have our security blankets, but sometimes, we need to loosen our grip or drop the blanket all together.  But you know what I love?  When one of your guy friends comes over to talk to you and then his friend(whom you like) tries to start an argument with him across the room, just to get your attention and then starts smiling/smirking at you.  And then there's that friend.  We all have one.  She randomly texts you encouraging you in your non-existent love life, saying funny things about the guy that are 100% true, and then tells you that you're pretty and that he's a fool not to have you.  Now if that doesn't make a vain person's day (ME) then I don't know what will.  
     Here is yet another reason why today was awesome: Forrest Gump.  Yeah, yeah. I know that doesn't seem like a reason but bear with me here.  Forrest Gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, and for my Spanish project I had to write a poem about an Oscar-winning film.  Obviously I picked Braveheart.  Haha. Just kidding there.  I picked Forrest Gump.  And as I was translating all of the Gump-isms into Spanish, I realized something.  This movie is so incredibly universal.  "I may not be a smart man...but I know what love is."  And ultimately, that's what it's all about.  It doesn't matter how smart we are or what kind of a person we are.  We are all capable of love and we all can feel it.  We may not be able to understand it at times, but we all can feel.  When all else fails, turn to God because God is love.

live life to its full potential, people :)
suz <3

The First Day Back...

                                               "You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea."
                                                                             ~Coldplay

     So the ever-dreaded first day of second semester has come, yet again, in an unwanted manner.  Christmastime is so happy, so joyous, and it all ends abruptly with a pathetic two-day week.  Gross.  
     First order of business is my extreme nervousness and lack of confidence when it comes to, yep, you guessed it, the b word--boys.  I never used to have a problem admitting that I've never had a boyfriend before, but it's actually beginning to get under my skin a little.  Honestly, I'm beginning to feel pathetic and like I'll never be able to overcome this sinking feeling that I'll be alone forever.  (Dramatic, I know, but whatever gets the point across(;  )
      It's not like I don't like someone, I do.  The problem is talking to that person.  I do this weird thing when I freeze up, can't make eye contact, and I get really shaky.  But here's the really weird part, if I see said person outside of school, I won't do that.  I feel relaxed and fairly confident in approaching them and having a conversation that normal human beings tend to have.  Strange, I know.  But I suppose that's how my shy side handles the situation; by doing nothing.  And in the end, I'm miserable.  I have no idea why I do this to myself, but I can assure you, I don't intend to.  I guess I'm just not used to just going up to guys and being like "Oh, hey! What up homedog? Oh, and guess what? I like you."  Uhh, no thanks.  Or at least I don't want my body language to be that obvious.  Like I've said in earlier posts, I'm not adventurous and it's not like that will ever change.  I'm not a like Sim where you can go and edit my personality from shy to daredevil.  No.  No.  No.  Life unfortunately is not like that.  If it were, there would be a whole buttload of bipolar people.  
     Now the second unfortunate thing about this problem: this guy isn't normally shy(if anything he's the polar opposite of) , but around girls (especially ones he doesn't know very well)  he's apparently quite the shy guy.  *Insert huge sigh here*  This really is not cool.  It basically means I need to initiate this relationship.  (Correction*** rekindle our friendship.  We talked a little last year, and were pretty good acquaintances if not friends.  And yes, that sounds pathetic, but I AM SHY, what you gonna do about it??)  So basically, I have to start from scratch.  Sweet.  
     I just pray to God that I can do this.  I know I can because I've done it before.  Just take a deep breath and breath...

                                                                 Oh, I wish it was that simple...

      But, you know other than that mental war with myself, today was surprisingly wonderful.  I have a lot of classes with my friends and I'm glad to catch up with them.  But I do have an issue with old teachers.
     Ok.  So there comes a time in a teacher's life when they should retire.  And then, even after they retire, for whatever reason, they can't stay away from teaching (or is it the children...?) and decide to be a substitute a day here and there.  But if you accept a job to sub long-term, well, you've got problems.  All I can say is our poor religion teacher.  She had an adorable baby and decided to take the rest of the school year off.  Our first sub (whom I hate with a burning passion) was unarguably psycho.  And not the good psycho either.  But rather, psycho with a deranged mentality that she taught the class "for realz."  Turns out, that woman shouldn't be teaching because of health reasons.  Oh, niiiiiice.  Really nice, administration.  And so, second semester rolls around and here we have another ancient retired teacher teaching long-term.  COOL.  Did we not already try this?  Did we not already notice IT FAILED??  Now, don't get me wrong, I love a cute old person, but when you're in charge of 20-30 high school juniors for about five months, shouldn't you be a little younger so you won't keel over mid-lecture?  Just food for thought.
                                      
school. who needs it?
<3 suz

I Promise, I'm a Nice Person

In all of my hot-headed haste, I almost forgot about these past two AMAZING days.
I got together with all of my old middle school friends for our annual Christmas get-together. But honestly, I wasn't really feelin' it before I got there. I felt mopey and the annoying depressed-exhaustion coming on, but I fought it and said to myself, "self, this time is going to be different. I can't explain it but it's going to be different." and so I convinced myself to take a deep breath and try to really feel happy. And you know what? I really truly did.
When I got there, the first four of us just sat around and talked. I suddenly felt this wave of relief come over me. I was genuinely enjoying myself. Even after the last two trickled in, it was still chill. We just caught up, had a bunch of hearty laughs, and, of course, played truth or dare.
I guess the reason why I felt like this time was different was because I've never been the loud, boisterous type (as all of them are). As we've gone through the majority of high school, we've all found ourselves. We've become more comfortable with ourselves, our lives, and others. The entire time I felt this undying, joyful peace between all of us. And you know what? It was an amazing feeling.
So I'd just like to take this moment to thank them for such a wonderful time. We really need to hang out more, instead of this once-a-year nonsense.
Hugs and kisses
<3 suz

Here Goes Nothing

Ok. So I was definitely not going to blog anything today because I was too tired but this bitch has pushed me over the edge with her nonsense.
So there's this girl (who shall remain nameless) who I don't like/get annoyed with for no apparent reason. Call it what you may, jealousy maybe, or just bitchiness, but I really don't like her. She gets whatever she wants, expects people to pity her at all times and at all costs. For example, over the summer she's supposed to get her license, but since she's a spoiled princess, mommy and daddy got her a car about two weeks BEFORE the license. Now, I ask you, in what parallel universe does that make sense? Not in the one I live in, that's for sure. Anywho, she gets her license and goes cruising around in her car like the princess she is. But one day, she's on her way to summer tutoring, when all of a sudden, she crashes into a mailbox and flips her car! Ok. She's in a subdivision area, so why would you be going more than like 40 at the most? And I'm pretty sure at 40mph you can't flip a car. So what made her run head-on into a mailbox in the first place? She claims she was distracted. Again, who the hell gets that distracted as to run head-on into a freaking mailbox? Personally, I think she was texting or on her phone in some way, but what she actually was doing, we will never know.
To make matters worse, she tells this tragic tale to anyone who would or would not listen. She exaggerated about how her jean jacket was lucky because she had to crawl out of her window on broken glass (I was expecting a dramatic I barely made it out alive! Right here). Anyway, she then whines about how her best friend doesn't care enough to visit her. Oh, I'm sorry honey, I didn't know the world revolved around you.
Honestly, I don't know if I mistake her complete oblivion to the fact that everyone is not rich af for plain stupidity. Don't get me wrong, I think she's sweet as pie, but some of the things this girl does makes me question what's in her noggin.
Peace. Love. Rant.
<3 suz